I just sat and watched Livi. Watched her small closed eyes twitch and flicker, watched her small hands opening and closing, clenching her blanket. Watched her small chest move up and down with each soft sleeping breath. Did she know what was happening? Did she realize we were going on a long journey?
I'm not sure how long I was sat there, I didn't look at my watch, didn't look at a clock. Time didn't matter. Everything just seemed to have stopped. My life had frozen. I was empty, no thoughts of where I was or where I was going.
A stewardess came and tapped me on the shoulder and said it was time to board. All those travelling with children were boarding first. I thought, boarding? Boarding what? Where are we going? I looked at her confused and said thank you. I put Livi and my things together and we headed for the departure gate.
I had no emotion, no feelings, absolutely nothing. Just and empty black hole where my life used to be. Then I remembered the door. I knew everything was behind it. I started to want to open the door, I wanted it all back.
Before I knew it, we were at the end of the transfer tunnel and standing at the door to board the plane. I didn't even remember walking there. The Air hostess said that I couldn't take the pushchair; I had to take my child and leave it to be placed in the hold.
So I did, I boarded the plane with Livi in my arms and 2 bags, one over each shoulder.
Livi was awake now and staring straight at me. She didn't smile; she didn't blink, just stared. We were shown to our seat and we sat down.
From the moment we sat down everything became a blur. I didn't remember a single thing for the whole flight. I didn't know if watched anything, ate anything, and drank anything. I didn’t remember if Livi had or did anything. Was she still wearing the same clothes? No idea.
The captain came on and started to talk. He was speaking English but I didn't understand a word he was saying.
Then I came to with a jolt, came out of my daze and was suddenly alert - The captain said we were making our final descent and would land at Heathrow London in 5 minutes!
I was so confused.
I started to pack things away in the bags at my feet. Livi murmured, I looked straight at her. Oh I need to change you, maybe some milk. I looked in to her change bag and saw some packs of clothes, some open with dirty screwed up clothes and some sealed with clean, neatly folded clothes inside. There were little labels in each neat little pack describing when to use each one, such as in flight clothes 1, in flight clothes 2, night clothes 1, etc.
I said to Livi that, that was clever; someone has labeled when to use each pack. She didn't do anything. Let me change her, drank some milk. Then she settled in my lap with her own safety belt.
We had landed. Everybody was leaving the plane. I unstrapped us and we headed for the exit. Followed all the other sheep heading in the same direction.
We headed through the terminal, heading towards arrivals, I was rushing. Didn't know why I was rushing. I even started to run but I couldn't understand why the urgency. I had nothing to be in a hurry for. But I didn't slow down, I couldn't. Something was driving me to get a move on. But,what?
I turned the corner and saw arrivals. Quickly scanned each immigration desk for the shortest queue. Great, one desk empty, headed straight for it. I raced to the desk as fast as I could with 2 bags and a small child to manage. But I got there. The officer asked for documents. I gave him our passports. He looked at them, looked at us and said ok, go through. We did. We headed straight for baggage claim. Which belt? I said to Livi, we have to get our stuff quickly.
Why? Why the hurry?
Nervously I looked for correct baggage belt and waited, seemed like ages. But each item came through. My bag, then Livi's bag, then finally the pushchair. Livi went straight into the pushchair. I looked around me and saw a porter. I grabbed him and asked him to take of us and our bags. He did and then and asked where were going.
I looked at Livi and said to her, where are we going? The porter laughed, and I looked at him wandering why he laughed. I didn't know where we were going so I hoped Livi did. She didn't answer. I reached for my pacsafe and opened it. There some train tickets. I took one out and handed it to him. He looked at it, said OK follow me, and we did
I just followed; I actually didn't know where he was taking us. I didn’t know where I was going or why. As we headed through some tunnels I started to see the door. The door inside me. I knew i had to find a way to open that door, there must be a way. I have to get my life back.
The porter led us to a train platform and said there will be one along in a minute. OK I said. He handed back the ticket, i looked at it. It said Kings Cross.
I said to Livi, we need to get to Kings Cross quickly; I hope the train comes soon....