Saturday, 17 November 2012

THE DOOR-Part 1

I logged-in to my skype today to check my daily offline messages from my hubs-Kingsley. He normally leaves...hmmm...you know, sweet lovely messages-that's pretty normal, I guess. Plus, updates of how our daughter has been going on about her sleeping routine, feeds, teething and all that kind of stuff we deal as a parent. 

I couldn't have thought  that there is a huge surprise waiting inside...more than just an update of their daily activities in the UK and more than just a SHORT sweet lovely message. I didn't see this coming. I don't even know what I am going to tell him about how I feel in reading this beautiful piece. A beautiful piece from somebody that is only and recently learning how to open up his feelings.

I couldn't just keep this for myself. I couldn't be more proud and I have to share it with you...



Photo courtesy to: decar66

There is this door. It's a door to a room.
I have never opened the door; I've never been in the room.

I never knew the door could open. It had no handle or hinges.
It didn't have a lock, just the word lock - L.O.C.K, in place of where a lock would normally be.

Where is this door?

The door that I cannot open, that enters a room I have never been in, is inside me.
The door has always been there since I was very young, ever since I can remember.
When I picture the door, it's as big as a normal door to normal room and just as real.

What's behind the door?

Everything. Everything I want to keep hidden from the world. Every dream, every desire, every feeling and every emotion. All the things I don't want to remember. All the pain and sadness, all the love and joy is behind that door.


Photo courtesy to : thetextureclub


To the side next to the door, is a list. 
The list is an inventory of everything that is locked in the room.
No real description, sometimes only one word, like rugby or airport august 2012.

Airport August 2012

Photo courtesy to: loveagainstdistance

We parted, I went through immigration. I started to shake, my legs went weak. I stumbled; someone caught me and sat me down. I started to cry. I wanted to come back. I tried to stand, but couldn't. I started to panic. What was I going to? How was I going to cope? Who was going to keep you safe? Who was going to be there for you? What had I done to you? What about Livi? Who was going to give mummy cuddles? Does she understand?

So many questions, hundreds and thousands of questions. Not one single answer. Nothing.

Then I saw the door.

The door got bigger, so big, it completely filled me. So big that i couldn't see anything or anyone around me, I couldn't hear anything. Everything was totally silent. Then the door shrank back. Grew smaller until finally it disappeared.

All I was left with was a sense of numbness. Not numb because I couldn't feel anything. Numb because I was empty. There was nothing left inside of me. I was now a shell. When the door appears, I know what is going to happen. Happened so many times. Sometimes I'm glad to see it, sometimes not. I don't choose what goes behind the door. It doesn't let me decide that this will go or that will go. It won't let me pick and choose what emotions, feelings, memories or desires I can keep. It takes everything.

So there I was in immigration, dazed, confused, and empty. Everything was automatic and almost dreamlike.

I remember sitting at the departure gate and asking myself - why am I so numb? Why so empty? Why am I so confused? Normally something is left, a sort of reminder of what had happened? Livi was asleep. I closed my eyes, wandered around my mind and looked for the door. I approached the door and looked at it. Then I saw the list, the inventory of everything behind it. On it was "melody, 2008 to 2012. Everything was behind the door, every memory, every thought, every emotion, ever dream. I kicked and screamed, punched and shouted at the door.

The door had emptied my life!

I wanted the door to open. Needed it to open. I didn't care about the pain. I wanted my life back! I wanted to feel you again. I wanted to see you again. I wanted my memories back.

The door didn't open.

 I left the door.

The emptiness and loneliness was far worse than any pain the door took away.


_THE DOOR -to be continued_


SHARING WITH: MellowYellowBadge


2 comments:

  1. awhh... this is so heartfelt. You will be in each others' arms soon. Just a little more time. and it will be sweeter. hugs

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  2. Wow....awesome writing. I can't wait to read Part Two. Thanks for visiting my blog and for your kind words. My dear husband and I visited Bangkok in 2000. Was an awesome vacation! Have a blessed day

    ReplyDelete